But don’t for a minute think that society’s attitude to what has traditionally been considered “women’s work” is changing as fast as individuals and the economy. The recent Salon piece Rise of the Dad Wars examines the social resistance experienced by primary parenting dads.

A new generation of men want to be more involved in raising their kids — shaping who they will become in the world while enjoying the many benefits of child-rearing. Somehow these guys have shaken off the social conditioning that streams them from a very early age into the financial provider role in their families. This is partly a product of observing their own fathers in the hard-working provider role and choosing a different reality for themselves. It’s also partly because our economy is starting to value women’s contributions more and in some cases even favor it. In many families, it just makes good economic sense for mom to work outside the home and for dad to stay home and anchor the family duties.

Families don’t just run themselves, any more children raise themselves. (Wouldn’t it be great, though, if homes cleaned themselves or dishes washed themselves.) If you want a family, and many of us do, it needs to be created, nurtured and supported. Like anything that ever gets done in this world, someone needs to take the lead.

I call that someone the primary parent and it’s traditionally been a woman’s role in most family arrangements. But it doesn’t have to be. In fact, other than gestation, birthing and breast-feeding, there’s little in primary parenting that a man isn’t as capable of doing as a woman. The problem is, men are often not raised for this role and so we do not acquire the required skills, both emotional and practical.

And this is at the root of the antagonism toward men who find themselves in this role. Family traditionalists assume a kind of biological determinism that underlies their gender role biases. And our culture framework for happiness, which is viewed as the inevitable product of professional achievement and financial reward, places massive pressure on men — and increasingly women — to pursue careers at all costs.

Men who pursue their desire to be active, engaged and primary parents are met with social judgements from both sides: from other men/fathers who have not made this choice, as well as from other women/mothers who can be uncomfortable with the incursion on their primary parenting role.

To be sure, there is lots of open-mindedness out there about the new roles dads are playing, but we’ve all got a long way to go to make primary parenting a viable and socially supported choice for more dads.

Now before you judge me (and, trust me, I judge myself) for citing television watching as a meaningful family activity, let me explain why I feel this way.

If you haven’t seen it, Modern Family is an award-winning show that gives television a good name. It’s brilliant! The writing is subtle and clever and very funny. Like all great family entertainment, it operates on both the kid and adult levels at the same time. We’ve tended to watch the shows on DVD, rather than regular television, and this really brings out the rhythm of the editing and the comedic timing of the show. The show is compelling because the characters are credible reflections of real world people — some you know well and some whose skin you live in on a daily basis — and the story lines are rooted in reality but just way funnier.

We like the show for other reasons too. Modern Family posits an inclusive view of family that reflects some of our family’s basic views and values. For instance, there is no such thing as an ideal family. Families, in the real world, come in all shapes and sizes — just as they do in the show. Some are built around heterosexual relationships, while others blossom around same-sex spouses or second and third marriages and relationships that span generations. And no family’s life is perfect — people fight and act selfishly and sometimes do mean things to each other. But, in the end, families come together. Or that’s what they’re supposed to do anyway. In these ways, my family is a modern family too.

Modern Family, some might argue, is not really appropriate family viewing for our almost 9 year olds. This is evident in episodes that deal with sexuality (is there an episode that doesn’t deal with sexuality, I’m now wondering). I asked my almost 9 year old son today what he felt was inappropriate about the show and the first thing out of his mouth was the swearing. Apparently, “bitch” out-ranks parents getting caught having sex by their kids and teenage masturbation on the inappropriateness scale.

Admittedly, I wondered whether we were on the right path when we started watching the Modern Family Season 1 DVD on a recent family vacation. But we were all enjoying the shows and we were on vacation. A few clarification questions arose and were answered about some of the more adult themes in certain episodes and we handled them as best we could. The fact is, there’s not much going on in these shows that isn’t starting to creep into the schoolyard chatter among kids finishing grade 3. The way I see it, there are lots of way worse ways for kids to be introduced to more mature subject matter than watching a witty and insightful comedy like Modern Family together as a, well, modern family.

I guess I am a product of my generation in this regard. I grew up in the 70s and watched my fair share of television back then. I learned a lot about the world and interpersonal relationships from shows like The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda, Three’s Company, and All In the Family. I’m sure I missed some subtleties, but I picked up on the broad strokes of Archie Bunker’s racism, Rhoda Morgenstern’s feminism and Jack Tripper’s intentionally ambiguous alternative lifestyle.

More significantly, I was influenced by the setting in which these shows were watched. In the evenings, my younger brother and I would sit and watch with my recently separated mom, sipping our cups of warm, sweet tea and eating homemade dessert. Those shared experiences with our  extended TV families brought us closer in our own little family. It also validated us. It connected us.

That’s why I love that we all enjoy watching Modern Family together. And that’s why I don’t worry about the appropriateness of some of the content. Because as long as we’re all sitting together and laughing, there is so much more going on than just watching television.

Hi my name is Ella I live in Edmonton, AB, Canada. I am 8 years old.

I have had experience in bullying and I still do. But trust me, if you stand up for yourself and others, it will stop. If you do get bullied, don’t take it personally – it’s usually that they have a problem at home or if you’re really smart they’re just jealous.

Guys, if you’re getting bullied tell a teacher/parent, it makes it a lot better – even if you think it won’t. If people make fun of you because you’re different, don’t listen because everybody is different.

This is a guest post by my daughter, Ella. She created the logo and chose the colors intentionally because they are warm colors and she wanted people to feel good about standing up to bullying.

When we originally came west to Alberta from Ontario, our motivation was an exciting employment opportunity — not for me, but for my corporately accomplished wife. As part of the deal, I agreed to take over parental duties around the house.

That wasn’t a huge stretch for me. I had always been actively engaged as a dad and, to be completely honest, since having our twins my working life was no competition for my interest and passion in parenting. I embraced the role of “Mr. Mom”, while my “Mrs. Dad” left the house early each morning to slay dragons.

I relished the chance to prove my muster as a primary parent, but I wasn’t prepared for some of the challenges. That’s what the original article was about — coming to terms with the role of being a primary parenting dad among a sea of moms in a society that just didn’t get that I wanted to be doing this. And, of course, there was the laundry — oh, the laundry.

Two and half years later, life feels very different. The kids are a few years older and much more independent. Many of the moms are friends of mine and have long-since adapted to the fact that I am the one who plans the play dates and coordinates the after-school activities. I have been accepted, in a way, in our little circle of friends.

But something else has happened too. I have re-invented my professional working self as a social media strategiest and consultant. I am required to travel sometimes for work, so we have hired caregiving support. Now, I have a new dilemma. I could say to people I am a “working dad”, but that would be misleading in the traditional, normative sense of a dad working outside the home. It would be more accurate to call myself a working primary parent. A working Mr. Mom, if you will.

Like working moms, I have two jobs — one out of the home and the other in it. I plan my work days around school drop off and pick up times and I work flexibly so I can transport the kids to and from extra-curricular activities. I shop and keep the fridge stocked and plan meals with our caregiver.

So, finally, I have arrived at the four reasons why being a primary parenting dad is such a great way to go. And the reasons are:

1. Closeness with your kids becomes second-nature and lasts for your entire lives.

Being a primary parent was more for me than just a matter of convenience. I’ve always wanted to know my kids the way mom’s know their kids, not the way dads traditionally do. And I’m not dissing dads who work outside the home. It’s just obviously difficult when you’re the primary breadwinner and you’re out there working, traveling and stressing about bringing income into the home, to take the time to be the primary parent. Working moms are always told they can’t have everything and working dads are no different. You can’t be the one working 60 hours a week outside the home and also be the one working 60 hours a week inside. It just doesn’t work.

I love being the one who is present, the one the kids go to when they’re upset. I love being the one that’s there when they’re so happy they’re squealing with delight. I like knowing what they like most, and who their best friends are at school this week. There’a a deep intimacy comes from day-to-day familiarity and it’s wonderful to be a part of it.

2. Creates opportunities for women to pursue professional opportunities fully.

Dads need to take the lead on the home front if moms are going to have equal opportunities to succeed in the workplace. It’s as simple as that. We, as men, have benefited professionally from our spouses taking responsibility for our family lives. Increasingly, women have economic opportunities that equal those of men, but are held back by the outmoded expectation that their unique role is to care for the family.

If you believe in egalitarianism and the rights of women to equality in the workplace, then you need to step up and do your part. For contemporary feminists, male and female, the personal is indeed political. Our personal choices, our acceptance of responsibility for family, childrearing and homemaking as men and taking lead responsibility for these things, is how we change the world.

3. Balances relationships in fundamental ways that are off-kilter as a result of society’s biases.

Most successful relationships are built on a foundation of balance. No one is suggesting that most relationships don’t arrive at a fair division of overall labour, but that’s not my point. Roles need to be determined more by pragmatic realities of the situation and less by socially biased definitions of what is men’s and what is women’s work.

Domestic work is not, generally speaking, gender specific. Men are as capable as women at cooking, cleaning and caring for kids. This means, if your spouse is excelling professionally and/or has better opportunities or prospects for doing so, a man needs to step up and take the lead domestically. Assuming you both want a family life, this balance is needed to optimize each person’s role and the overall success of your domestic arrangement.

4. May suit your temperament better than working outside the home.

Men are socialized to work outside the home, while women are taught to be caregivers. Based on my own personal experience raising children, I would not deny that there seems to be a biological aspect to gender role development. Yet, the social streaming starts early in life when role-modelling begins and is relentlessly reinforced in various social and cultural ways throughout key years of personality development.

Despite all of this social streaming, we all develop our own personalities based on our experiences. And some of us men turn out to be excellent caregivers who are very comfortable in that role. And some of our female spouses turn out to be exceptionally competent and driven to succeed professionally — and this motivates them as much or more than being primary parents. Of course, they want families. But they also want professional success.

I, for one, wanted more from family life than the traditional working dad role appeared to deliver, so I went for it.

If I had it all to do over again, I’d do nothing differently.

The wardrobe of the cold wintry north is much more forgiving when it comes to those of us with body image issues. Bulky layers make everyone look a bit bigger and rounder. But around the pool during vacation, it all comes down to the trunks.

When I first arrive at the pool for my winter vacation, I am very self-conscious of my body, all soft and pasty from too much time sitting in front of computers indoors. But body consciousness is not limited to mine only – I’m checking out everyone else’s too, as we all get comfortable without most of our clothes.

Now, I’m a bit heavier these days than I’ve ever been, so I’m not feeling all that buff. On top of that, I have this little bump on my tummy, just above my belly button – some kind of hernia that just won’t go away. So not only do I have to suck it in, but I have to push it in too. I know, too much information.

Then, of course, there’s the question of body hair and what to do with it? It seems that hair is out these days, certainly in the metrosexual circles. I guess it’s ultimately a matter of opinion and taste, but to the person who matters most in my life (certainly when it comes to matters of body hair), there is a strong preference is for the groomed look. The less hair the better. I can’t quite get comfortable with the completely hairless me, but I’m getting close. Truth is, I kinda like it. But, that’s quite a different article.

Back to body image and pool attire. What I’ve found sitting around the pool and walking on the beach for a few days is that people come in all shapes and sizes. (No shit, Sherlock.) Yet this comes as quite a revelation. Any self-consciousness I experience standing in front of the mirror is always in relation to a body image ideal that, relatively speaking, just isn’t that common. I mean, there are guys out there with sculpted hard bodies and nice tans, but they are the minority. The majority of guys are overweight, the worst with bellies that look like they are carrying their offspring and large man boobs to go with it. And then there’s the pasty white skin and the guys with hair everywhere. And I mean e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. As far as I can tell, when it comes to the average body, I land somewhere in the middle, decidedly 50th percentile. Maybe even slightly better than average if I suck it (and push it) in.

This revelation is rather freeing. I don’t feel quite as self-conscious walking around with my shirt off and my extra 25 pounds hanging over my bathing suit waistline and my hernia poking through my abdominal wall. And as the tan starts to set in, I feel almost confident in my 50th percentile-ness. Fat, I observe, in people and in food, is much more appealing when it’s rendered to golden brown.

So, I’m settling into the vacation very well, thank you very much. Just in time to head back to the frozen arctic in a few more days.

I’m working more outside the home – and homemaking less. We’ve hired a full-time live-in nanny and we’ve got her doing all kinds of things that I used to do. I now have a much better appreciation for moms who return to work after being at home with the kids for several years.

There are lots of chores that I don’t miss (i.e., LAUNDRY, yes I’m shouting it), but some that I do. One of those missed chores is preparing lunch in the morning. And not because I love making lunches – but because of the interactions that come along with that chore.

My 8 year old daughter, Ella, is a foodie. Her favourite show on TV is Chopped. She knows what she likes and she has her opinions, so I often ask her what she wants for lunch, rather than just telling her. (The last thing I want is to get chopped.)

One morning, I happened to have a few hard boiled eggs in the fridge, so I suggested an egg salad sandwich.

When it comes to comfort food, it’s hard to beat simple, fresh egg salad spread on fresh bread. It brings back warm memories of childhood – of my mom’s egg salad and my grandma’s, of brunches and Bar Mitzvah luncheons. Egg salad, when it’s good, can be amazingly great.

The simpler the egg salad the better, to my taste. Roughly chopped egg, mayonnaise, salt and pepper. For a little extra flavour, I add some finely chopped green onion. Some people get all fancy, or chop too finely, or forget something as basic and fundamental as the salt. Everyone has their own taste and my preference is uncomplicated.

Before agreeing to taking the egg salad sandwich, Ella wanted a taste. I passed her a forkful and watched her face. “Mmmm” said her broad smile. Is there more, she asked?

It may seem like it was a simple egg salad sandwich to you, but it was much more to me.

It was an opportunity to share something I love with someone I love and, thus, it became an act of love. Hopefully, it becomes a point of connection that shines long into the future and brings us both happiness. If I know my daughter, I’m sure it will.

Screw hockey. I want my kid to learn how to make apps! j.mp/u0IJ28 #yeg #dadstalking

— Jay Palter (@jaypalter) November 22, 2011

At the time, I was inspired by Thomas Suarez TEDx talk on kids making apps:

I wasn’t so much suggesting that kids should become coders as much as I was saying that my kids could benefit from a wide range of other skills development when they are young. This is from a guy who grew up playing hockey – and loving it. And who now lives in Canada’s hockey heartland of central Alberta.

Don’t get me wrong. I like a good hockey game. To watch, anyway. But for kids who play,  hockey becomes a dominant aspect of their lives, at the expense of other valuable skills development.

My kids currently enjoy competitive team sports – they play soccer. But they also like the arts – they play piano and dance. And both of my kids are learning Kung Fu which builds discipline and self-confidence.

In the end, I don’t really want my kids to be computer programmers (unless that’s what they really want to do). I just want them to learn how to unleash their creativity because I believe that creativity is key to success and happiness in the future.

I am hearing this message echoed in the writings and observations of many contemporary commentators. Richard Florida’s research is based on the importance of the creative class and how to create the appropriate conditions for the creative class to flourish. Seth Godin‘s Linchpin talks about rethinking education so that it doesn’t systematically pound the creativity out of kids.

The innovators and disrupters of today’s economy – the ones creating and fuelling the technological rethinking of many business models – are creative souls, many of which are rejects from the education system. Remember, Steve Jobs was a college drop out.

Now, I’m not advocating dropping out of school, but I am advocating that we need to be open-minded about exposing our kids to character-building experiences when they are young. And hockey – or competitive team sports, in general – does not have a monopoly on character building. But it will have a monopoly over your kids’ preciously short time as a kid.

Note: Thanks to Francois for his Kids and Coding post which inspired me to make a post out of my tweet.

Executive roles are very demanding. The hours can be long and the accountabilities significant. You are expected to be available at any time your role needs you which means you often miss important events in your family life and can start to feel you have little control over your time. This fact, combined with the often crushing responsibilities of executive roles, can be very stressful on a person.

For people who want it all – a healthy marriage, a rich family life, a social life, etc. – in addition to their high-powered executive life,  they need support.

Behind every successful married male executive is a spouse, usually female, who ensures most other aspects of their lives are managed effectively – kids, home, finances, social, etc. Even if there is help in the form of extended family or hired staff, one parent needs to take the lead in directing and managing this help. And that parent way more often than not is the mom.

There are lots of reasons for the lack of women executives – and solutions to this problem – but this is not a complicated problem to solve. It’s not at all about lack of ambition or capability on the part of women, as some media reports suggested. It is partly about a persistent and rank chauvinism that still thrives in macho executive circles.

But, in my opinion, this problem is fundamentally about social organization. As long as women bear the brunt of family management duties, they will be limited in their executive roles.

In order for there to be more moms who are executives, there needs to be more dads who are homemakers.

But there’s nothing like spending some quality one-on-one time with each of your kids – whether you have twins or not.

Everyone benefits from the full attention of a one-on-one relationship – and I’m not only talking about parenting here. No matter what your profession, quality face time goes a long way. It builds trust and personal connection. Look someone in the eye and genuinely listen to what they are saying. It builds intimacy and engagement.

It’s the same with your kids. They need the connection time with you – it validates them and reinforces their self-esteem and confidence. Same for you, as a parent. Once your kids reach an age when they can engage in conversation, you can get huge benefits from this interaction with them.

Every kid is different, so find an activity that works for both of you – something you can do together, but not too involved. You want some downtime – to talk and interact. It’s easy to get into the habit of being together but not interacting.

I find a hike or an easy walk is perfect. My son likes climbing walks, so we headed out the other day to climb a small mountain behind our house. He was almost bubbling with excitement as we found a walking stick and used a rock to strip it of bark and reveal a smooth natural handle. When it started to rain, we took shelter under a tree in a little, natural “fort”. We talked and laughed. He told me some jokes and we reviewed our vacation activities to date. We breathed the fresh air and enjoyed the spectacular views together.

He told me at least a couple of times in those two hours that he really enjoyed being alone with me – and my heart filled with joy. My kid enjoys being with me as much as I do him – and he even told me! I cherish these times because I know as they age, they grow independent and more self-conscious of their parental affections. And that, I have to admit, will be a bit heartbreaking.

So, until then, I’m making time for walks and alone time with my kids – whenever I can. It’s good for our souls.

As part of an experiment in repurposing content in a different form, I authored this version as an interactive slide presentation. I wanted to get away from the standard web page layout and to intensify the experience of the content by adding some compelling images and a soundtrack. I think these elements help focus the mind, while at the same time adding non-verbal elements to the experience.

In the course of creating this version of the presentation, I discovered SlideRocket and it rocked my world. More about that in a coming post.

Please check out the presentation and leave your feedback. Note: maximize screen for optimal viewing.

Special thanks to Darryl Luscombe for use of his superb photography.